Three years...

Today would have been a three year anniversary for me. That's very strange to think about.

I'm still not sure if I should go to Barry's grave today or if that would be weird.

It's very difficult, still, to comprehend his death.

I suppose time heals all wounds........

I'm very glad to know that he is in Heaven right now. It's also comforting, in a way, that through his death he save many souls.

*smiles*

Greatest husband ever... we aren't even married yet and he is already amazing! He said that if we can afford it I can get the personalized m&ms for the wedding. They are a bit on the expensive side but they are just so awesome. I love their chocolaty goodness. Happy day!

I'm amazed by you...

Not last night but the night before I had a dream that I was somewhere green and pretty. I was hanging out and talking with Barry. I realized after a bit of talking with him that he was dead and that I was talking to a figment of my imagination. Do you think that maybe my dream was trying to tell me something? I think that might explain why I haven't cried much the last few days. It has to be denial. I asked Danny if I could just stay in denial that it was easier but he said no that acceptance is easier. I'm not sure how to death with it. It hurts so bad inside.

WHAT DO I DO???

Any minute now I am going to break down.........

This imfamous day in history....

Here is an expert from my journal November 8th, 2005.

"I went to the movies last night with Erik. It was basically against my better judgment. Sean didn't even try to tell me not to. What the hell? It was practically a date with a married man. It freaked me out because we used to have a thing and now he is married with a small child to someone that I used to consider my best friend. I suck sometimes. Did you know that? After the movie we went to the park and walked around. We started talking about you know who. He was explaining to me how to get him back. It sounded like a good idea at first... but after a while I was like wait a minute this isn't right. It seemed as though I would be tricking him into loving me again and that isn't what I want at all. I think that I am expecting too much and just do something else with me life. Not try to move on or get over him but just step to the side and keep going in a new direction."

I will make the entire entry available via this link.

The "you know who" I am talking about is Richie Sloma. He's a good guy.

What I left out of that post three years ago was that when Erik took me home we went to my room to hang out for a bit. He started to kiss me and when he started making sexual advances I told him no. Being the very aggressive person he is he did not listen and continued on. Now this is the part that confuses most people and I don't have an explanation for it either so please don't ask. My parents were home and asleep when he raped me so I could have called for help and I didn't. I didn't scratch at him or hit and kick at him. I just lied there and did nothing.

Last Tuesday at the Woman's Bible study at church Pastor Maureen was talking about all the women in our church who have been abused in some way by men. I really didn't want to admit to it but afterward she had several people doing an alter call. I went up and had Patty Betrue pray for me. I explained that three years ago I had been raped. She was so sad for me and prayed for me. While she was praying for me I felt my body getting really heaving and like she was pushing on me with all of her might. I tried to fight it for several minutes but it was just getting to be too much to stand off. I finally gave in and just let the weight take over. I fell out. Fortunately we have some very savvy women in our church who were paying attention and realized what was happening to me. (I feel horrible but I can't remember her name now-Cat's mom.) She looked to Jacci and told her that she needed to get behind me. Jacci didn't believe her but she insisted and lo and behold she was right. Jacci caught me and layed me on the floor. They prayed for me a bit more and when I opened my eyes I felt so amazing. I felft to light and happy. It was a wonderful feeling. Knowing that I had just experenced something great from God it was only natural for Satan to try to get his grimmy little hands on me. I fought him tooth and nail.

That same day I got home and there is a message on myspace from a guy name Jimmy. He is Abby's boyfriend. Abby was my best friend. He wanted to know information about her and Erik. Nice timing Satan. (Jerk.)

I gave Jimmy some information however I don't really feel all that comfortable saying anything about a person on the internet because once it's out there you can never get it back. He did, however, have the right to know that she does have a sketchy past, we all do, and that she was mean to me and very controlling most of the time .

I feel like there is more that I have to let out but I'm not sure what it is or how I would even say it. So I will just have to leave you wanting more................

I am so blessed to have such a good God who sent me a wonderful man to spend my life with. Danny is so understanding and helpful. I don't know what I'd do or where I'd be without him.

Give me your eyes so I can see.

Barry Lee Wilsey
04/07/1988-11/02/2008
Father, Friend, Lover

He will be missed.

The service will be Monday November 10 at 2:00 p.m.
He will not be viewed.

I'm not sure what I'm doing:

I'm not really sure why I hit "new post", but I did. I finished my book today so tomorrow I can work on the essay. I should also start on the poem that will be due at the end of the semester. Now that my partner has been deployed to Kuwait without warning I must do it all on my own. Good stuff, eh?

I'm tired of feeling selfish.

I want to cry sometimes but I am so sick of being weak it hurts. I'm an adult and need to act accordingly.

On our walk tonight I wanted to badly to talk to Danny about something but I was also really thirsty and we were so close to the house that I knew if I started talking he would want to keep going instead of going inside. I'm a chicken.

Bock!

I'm really afraid.....................................I'm afraid that when Danny and I have kids he won't love them as much as Connor and that his family will always be comparing my kid to her kid. It's probably crazy but I don't know, maybe it's not. It's really scary though. Not in a "thriller movie" sort of way in a "my husband won't love my kids as much as his deceased son" sort of way.

I probably shouldn't have posted that but oh well...................

Stop being so self-centered!!!




Clearly I am fighting some demons here.............