This imfamous day in history....

Here is an expert from my journal November 8th, 2005.

"I went to the movies last night with Erik. It was basically against my better judgment. Sean didn't even try to tell me not to. What the hell? It was practically a date with a married man. It freaked me out because we used to have a thing and now he is married with a small child to someone that I used to consider my best friend. I suck sometimes. Did you know that? After the movie we went to the park and walked around. We started talking about you know who. He was explaining to me how to get him back. It sounded like a good idea at first... but after a while I was like wait a minute this isn't right. It seemed as though I would be tricking him into loving me again and that isn't what I want at all. I think that I am expecting too much and just do something else with me life. Not try to move on or get over him but just step to the side and keep going in a new direction."

I will make the entire entry available via this link.

The "you know who" I am talking about is Richie Sloma. He's a good guy.

What I left out of that post three years ago was that when Erik took me home we went to my room to hang out for a bit. He started to kiss me and when he started making sexual advances I told him no. Being the very aggressive person he is he did not listen and continued on. Now this is the part that confuses most people and I don't have an explanation for it either so please don't ask. My parents were home and asleep when he raped me so I could have called for help and I didn't. I didn't scratch at him or hit and kick at him. I just lied there and did nothing.

Last Tuesday at the Woman's Bible study at church Pastor Maureen was talking about all the women in our church who have been abused in some way by men. I really didn't want to admit to it but afterward she had several people doing an alter call. I went up and had Patty Betrue pray for me. I explained that three years ago I had been raped. She was so sad for me and prayed for me. While she was praying for me I felt my body getting really heaving and like she was pushing on me with all of her might. I tried to fight it for several minutes but it was just getting to be too much to stand off. I finally gave in and just let the weight take over. I fell out. Fortunately we have some very savvy women in our church who were paying attention and realized what was happening to me. (I feel horrible but I can't remember her name now-Cat's mom.) She looked to Jacci and told her that she needed to get behind me. Jacci didn't believe her but she insisted and lo and behold she was right. Jacci caught me and layed me on the floor. They prayed for me a bit more and when I opened my eyes I felt so amazing. I felft to light and happy. It was a wonderful feeling. Knowing that I had just experenced something great from God it was only natural for Satan to try to get his grimmy little hands on me. I fought him tooth and nail.

That same day I got home and there is a message on myspace from a guy name Jimmy. He is Abby's boyfriend. Abby was my best friend. He wanted to know information about her and Erik. Nice timing Satan. (Jerk.)

I gave Jimmy some information however I don't really feel all that comfortable saying anything about a person on the internet because once it's out there you can never get it back. He did, however, have the right to know that she does have a sketchy past, we all do, and that she was mean to me and very controlling most of the time .

I feel like there is more that I have to let out but I'm not sure what it is or how I would even say it. So I will just have to leave you wanting more................

I am so blessed to have such a good God who sent me a wonderful man to spend my life with. Danny is so understanding and helpful. I don't know what I'd do or where I'd be without him.