Merry Christmas!

Very generic title, I know. Whatever.

So this Christmas season has had very many ups and downs but in the end God is good, and I am still dyslexic (I put den instead of end).

I had fun with friends and family. I got my hair cut yesterday. Pictures soon to follow.

This is the tree that Danny and I started out with. It wasn't my first choice but it was cute and made me happy.







I came home from work one night and found that someone (my family) had snuck into my house and left a Christmas tree. Exhibit A: The tree





Don't judge it solely on this picture because it kept getting knocked over so it's a little misshapen now. Very sad. Danny wants to take it down today. I think I may be able to leave it up till the end of the week if I use my magic. We will be moving soon so it will need to be put away soon anyway.

Exhibit B: Kelli entering my house with said tree







I am stuck at home until Danny gets off work at 2:30 unless I call my mom for a ride. Time to get more packing done!

Merry Christmas; I love you all!!!

<3


(Semi-colons are under-rated.)

Comfort and joy...

We have received our first (and second) wedding gift. It's very exciting. Three weeks exactly.

I have an early dinner with the twins in half an hour.........

Tomorrow I am going over to my parent's house, after Girlmore Girls, but before Super Sister Sunday to wrap presents. Christmas has gotten away from me this year. I am trying very hard to be festive this year but our living situation is making it very difficult. :(

I'm getting hungry.

Not sure why I wanted to post because there is not much to write about, plus I must not a lot of time to write anyway.

Danny didn't pass his test today so he is very sad about that. :(

Beautitful One I love, beautiful One I adore...

Oh the joys of Christmas shopping. Danny and I did a little bit at Walmart today but I am doing a lot right now on Overstock.com. They have some great stuff that I am very excited about. Free shipping too which is nice because that would really start to add up otherwise!

I'm not really sure why but for as long as I can remember really I have not had great best friends. The person I would chose would be my friend but they had their own best friend. So they were my best friend and some other person was theirs. Not so much fun really. Even today, as an adult, it seems that I have the same problem. I don't really like it. Not really sure how to remedy it though.

I really can not wait to be out of this house..............

It's freezing in here but I refuse to turn on the heat. I will close some of the windows and/or doors and then maybe put my sweater back on.

I have a rental car right now that I love driving. It has a cd player in it which mine does not so I can't wait till I have to drive somewhere else so I can put a cd in. I should really think for a while about what I should play. I have the car till about Tuesday so I have time to play a lot! Yays.

Three years...

Today would have been a three year anniversary for me. That's very strange to think about.

I'm still not sure if I should go to Barry's grave today or if that would be weird.

It's very difficult, still, to comprehend his death.

I suppose time heals all wounds........

I'm very glad to know that he is in Heaven right now. It's also comforting, in a way, that through his death he save many souls.

*smiles*

Greatest husband ever... we aren't even married yet and he is already amazing! He said that if we can afford it I can get the personalized m&ms for the wedding. They are a bit on the expensive side but they are just so awesome. I love their chocolaty goodness. Happy day!

I'm amazed by you...

Not last night but the night before I had a dream that I was somewhere green and pretty. I was hanging out and talking with Barry. I realized after a bit of talking with him that he was dead and that I was talking to a figment of my imagination. Do you think that maybe my dream was trying to tell me something? I think that might explain why I haven't cried much the last few days. It has to be denial. I asked Danny if I could just stay in denial that it was easier but he said no that acceptance is easier. I'm not sure how to death with it. It hurts so bad inside.

WHAT DO I DO???

Any minute now I am going to break down.........

This imfamous day in history....

Here is an expert from my journal November 8th, 2005.

"I went to the movies last night with Erik. It was basically against my better judgment. Sean didn't even try to tell me not to. What the hell? It was practically a date with a married man. It freaked me out because we used to have a thing and now he is married with a small child to someone that I used to consider my best friend. I suck sometimes. Did you know that? After the movie we went to the park and walked around. We started talking about you know who. He was explaining to me how to get him back. It sounded like a good idea at first... but after a while I was like wait a minute this isn't right. It seemed as though I would be tricking him into loving me again and that isn't what I want at all. I think that I am expecting too much and just do something else with me life. Not try to move on or get over him but just step to the side and keep going in a new direction."

I will make the entire entry available via this link.

The "you know who" I am talking about is Richie Sloma. He's a good guy.

What I left out of that post three years ago was that when Erik took me home we went to my room to hang out for a bit. He started to kiss me and when he started making sexual advances I told him no. Being the very aggressive person he is he did not listen and continued on. Now this is the part that confuses most people and I don't have an explanation for it either so please don't ask. My parents were home and asleep when he raped me so I could have called for help and I didn't. I didn't scratch at him or hit and kick at him. I just lied there and did nothing.

Last Tuesday at the Woman's Bible study at church Pastor Maureen was talking about all the women in our church who have been abused in some way by men. I really didn't want to admit to it but afterward she had several people doing an alter call. I went up and had Patty Betrue pray for me. I explained that three years ago I had been raped. She was so sad for me and prayed for me. While she was praying for me I felt my body getting really heaving and like she was pushing on me with all of her might. I tried to fight it for several minutes but it was just getting to be too much to stand off. I finally gave in and just let the weight take over. I fell out. Fortunately we have some very savvy women in our church who were paying attention and realized what was happening to me. (I feel horrible but I can't remember her name now-Cat's mom.) She looked to Jacci and told her that she needed to get behind me. Jacci didn't believe her but she insisted and lo and behold she was right. Jacci caught me and layed me on the floor. They prayed for me a bit more and when I opened my eyes I felt so amazing. I felft to light and happy. It was a wonderful feeling. Knowing that I had just experenced something great from God it was only natural for Satan to try to get his grimmy little hands on me. I fought him tooth and nail.

That same day I got home and there is a message on myspace from a guy name Jimmy. He is Abby's boyfriend. Abby was my best friend. He wanted to know information about her and Erik. Nice timing Satan. (Jerk.)

I gave Jimmy some information however I don't really feel all that comfortable saying anything about a person on the internet because once it's out there you can never get it back. He did, however, have the right to know that she does have a sketchy past, we all do, and that she was mean to me and very controlling most of the time .

I feel like there is more that I have to let out but I'm not sure what it is or how I would even say it. So I will just have to leave you wanting more................

I am so blessed to have such a good God who sent me a wonderful man to spend my life with. Danny is so understanding and helpful. I don't know what I'd do or where I'd be without him.

Give me your eyes so I can see.

Barry Lee Wilsey
04/07/1988-11/02/2008
Father, Friend, Lover

He will be missed.

The service will be Monday November 10 at 2:00 p.m.
He will not be viewed.

I'm not sure what I'm doing:

I'm not really sure why I hit "new post", but I did. I finished my book today so tomorrow I can work on the essay. I should also start on the poem that will be due at the end of the semester. Now that my partner has been deployed to Kuwait without warning I must do it all on my own. Good stuff, eh?

I'm tired of feeling selfish.

I want to cry sometimes but I am so sick of being weak it hurts. I'm an adult and need to act accordingly.

On our walk tonight I wanted to badly to talk to Danny about something but I was also really thirsty and we were so close to the house that I knew if I started talking he would want to keep going instead of going inside. I'm a chicken.

Bock!

I'm really afraid.....................................I'm afraid that when Danny and I have kids he won't love them as much as Connor and that his family will always be comparing my kid to her kid. It's probably crazy but I don't know, maybe it's not. It's really scary though. Not in a "thriller movie" sort of way in a "my husband won't love my kids as much as his deceased son" sort of way.

I probably shouldn't have posted that but oh well...................

Stop being so self-centered!!!




Clearly I am fighting some demons here.............

You captured my heart with this love, because nothing on earth is as beautiful as You.

It's official: Danny proposed last night!!! Yay.

We were taking our evening walk only at the beach just to change scenery. We had a great walk. We saw ducks sleeping, woke them up accidentally by talking to loud, then saw them fall back to sleep. They sleep very strangely. A fish jumped up out of the water at the bridge and scared us. Then we were walking back we saw a crane standing in the water. It was the neatest thing. We got pretty close to it before he flew away to a buoy. He made the greatest bird sound ever.

We cut across the grass and then laid on his jacket as not to get wet. It was so beautiful sitting there looking at all of the stars. We even saw a shooting star. I look back at Danny and there he is with this gorgeous ring. If I had been thinking I would have cleaned the dirt out from my nails but oh well. I had to use lotion to get this bad boy on and it hurt a lot to get it off. It's half a size too small. I'm very sad that it will take 3-4 weeks to get back from being re-sized. I want to wear it now!!!




This is the engagement ring part.




This is a blurry one but my camera is crapping out on me so there is noting I can do. They link together as so:





The wedding is set for January 10, 2009!!!

Just a melody...

My darling, handsome, honey-face is depressed and I have done almost all that I can think of to help him. I have a few more tricks up my sleeve that I am going to try tomorrow to help him out.

Thanks to Dan Diemer I have narrowed it down to two Bible that are in chronological order.

http://www.amazon.com/Reese-Chronological-Bible-Edward/dp/0871231158/ref=pd_sim_b_2

and

http://www.amazon.com/Chronological-Study-Bible-Nkjv/dp/0718020685/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1224603229&sr=1-1

I like them both so much I'm thinking about getting them both. Not at the same time of course because we really can't afford either at this point but it is something to aspire to. The Bible is very confusing and I think that if I read it in order it might help. We'll see.

Well today I am going to ride my bicycle to work so I am going to leave a bit early to give myself enough time to get there. Hopefully Danny will remember to pick me up! It's a long way uphill in the dark otherwise!

You've stolen my heart, yes You have...

Driving home from class tonight I wanted to drive my car into a wall. However with my luck I would have lived and would have had massive medical bills and once again be in need of a new car. [I did not crash my first car on purpose-do not get me wrong.] I just wanted or rather needed something..anything, I'm just not sure what. While I was thinking about driving into a wall the most prominent thought in my head was that I was hungry. There must be something wrong with that, I'm sure.

My fat thunder thighs have struck again. Another pair of nice jeans have a fatty hole worn into them in the crotch-al area. It makes me very sad. I hate this so very much.

I told Danny that I want to be a librarian at a Christian school. I thought that would be pretty cool. However my knowledge of the Bible leaves something to be desired. That just means that I have a lot to learn I guess. What am I to do?

In my opinion God needs to speak to me like a laymen. Break everything down for me like that so I can understand Him and do as He wants. I really just want to cry.

I have a feeling that I am never going to get the hang of knitting. I keep trying though. I am waiting for my movies from Netflix on knitting. That should be interesting. They have all sorts of stuff on there.

I feel like I am too concerned with myself rather than others. Danny says that I have a very kind heart. He's sweet like that. Always telling me how great I am and pointing out when I am helping others.

A few weeks ago in book club Ryan and Ernie mentioned a version of the Bible that is in chronological order of when it happened. I didn't write down the name of it before I forgot it so now I am trying to figure it out any way I can. Google wasn't much help but I have just recently (today in CIS 110) that Yahoo has several million more hits than Google does sometimes. I will have to try my search again.

A few months back a girl that Kelli was friends with was living in my old room. It has come to my attention that she had magazines sent to the house and since she in no longer a residence of that house I get them! Yay! This is something cool I found from Woman's Day. I am very excited to it out.





Here are the links if anyone is interested in them:

http://www.womansday.com/Recipes/Spiderweb-Pizzas

and

http://www.womansday.com/Recipes/Creepy-Cupcakes

Here is the main page for the "Devilish Delights" if you so desire:

http://www.womansday.com/Articles/Food/Recipes/Devilish-Delights.html


Despite looking at the delicious pizza I am still so very depressed and just want to cry. However I am a big girl, and big girls don't cry.

I only have one chocolate cupcake left from my mommy's birthday and despite the longing I have to eat it I feel that I must save it for tomorrow when things are worse. Yes, I do expect things to get worse before they even begin to look better.

One thing that I have to look forward to is making Halloween cookies with one of my best friend's Jacci . She is such an inspiration.

Currently I am listening to "Forest Light". It's a "natural harmony collection", basically just nice relaxing music. Some rain falling, some flutes playing. Really amazing stuff. It helps to block out Danny absurdly loud friend's when they are over to play DnD or Vamp. Sometimes I have headphone on other times I just play it through the speakers. Yet somehow Bryan's ridiculously obnoxious laugh can still break through. Ungodly.

Time to find something more productive to do with my time. Goodnight.

Yay!!!

I am now working at London Bridge Racquet and Fitness Center! I will be in the day care Tuesdays and Thursdays from 5:00-7:30. Pretty sweet............

We'll never get bored cuz we can go boarding...

According to my calculations it has been a while since my last post.

My little sister's 20 birthday is on Sunday. My dad went to visit my mom this weekend so neither of them will be here. I think she wanted it that way. I'm going to either take her to all the thrifts store or not. Tomorrow Danny and I are going to go around and treasure hunt for her. I'm prepared to spend $10-20 on her. I've already got her two presents. I would have three but I don't know where I put it so I can't very well give it to her.

I am doing laundry currently at my house!!! A few months ago the lovely Diemer's gave us their old washer and dryer set. The catch? They didn't work. Or rather they didn't work for us. The washer leaked and the dryer was missing screws. $100 dollars later and we are washing laundry in the comfort of our own home!

Lately I have been slacking majorly on my school work and it is catching up with me.... I need to manage my time better.

You are crowned all powerful...

Excerpts from Daily Strength for Daily Needs for September 6. I bought this book for my mom at St. Vinny's but ended up keeping for myself:

And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let them deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow me. Luke 9:23

To take up the cross of Christ is no great action done once for all. It consists in the continual practice of small duties that are distasteful to us. -Cardinal John Henry Newman

I would have you, one by one, ask yourselves, In what way do you I take up the cross daily? -Edward B. Pusey

Every morning, receive your own special cross from the hands of your heavenly father. -Lorenzo Scupoli




Even after having read that I'm still unsure of what it means to carry your own cross. Is it just going through the daily struggles of being a christian? If anyone can shed some light on the subject for me that would be great.

The bears can smell the menstruation...

Oh menstruation.

When I first started my period no one really explained it to me all that well. I honestly thought that I was going to bleed every day until my 50s when menopause hit. I was very sad that I would never be able to wear white panties again. I soon found out that my assumption of bleeding forever was incorrect when my period stopped and everything went back to normal for a few weeks. I still feel silly for thinking that.

Random semi-gross thought for today.

What a way to wake up...

In the middle of the night I woke up because I had to pee. I came back to bed and noticed that Danny didn't have any covers on and his skin is very cold so I covered him up with the sheet and blanket and rubbed his back to get him warm. He was an icicle. A few hours passed and I woke up to a blanket being put over my head and my face being rubbed. Danny, in his sleep, thought that my face was my back and wanted to be helpful and over me up. I say "Daniel!" He asks me what was wrong and I proceed to tell him that he just covered my face. The response I get? In the most innocent child-like voice I hear "You're welcome." and he goes back to "sleep". What a cutie-face. I just about died of laughter but I was still tired so I just went back to sleep reminding myself of what had just happened as not to forget.

When we both actually got up this morning we had a good laugh about it.

Life is good.

God must have heard my prayer last night...

Just when I think that I am about to lose him I realize how in love with me he is.

God bless our home.

The word of the day is perseverance or rather vigilance. Things have been picking up and going so well in our lives that Satan is trying to do any and every little thing to make us stray from God but it's not going to happen! With Danny having his second job we were going to be able to get a real bed in about 2 months (if we wanted the really nice one-one month for the okay one). We were very excited about it. Well Danny's bank is suck and he doesn't keep track of his spendings so when he gets down in his account the bank puts through all the little Taco Bell purchases so he'll go over and they can overdraft him. Now he owes them $75 or so...that's a big chunk of my bed going away. Plus I think our air mattress may have a leak in it because it is going flat quicker than usual. It makes me sad because it is really starting to mess with my neck and back. I can't imagine what it is like for Danny because his job is laborous.

I need to kick it up a knotch and start getting my reading done for class. I have 4 classes and so much reading for all of them...

We keep waiting for the world to stop by it won't slow down and we'll never catch up.

My eyes are itchy. I finished my first ever third row of knitting! Twice. I say twice because as I was going for my first fourth row ever I messed it up and had to start over from row one. Ouch. I think that I am finally getting the hang of it and I will soon have a scarf or something that at least resembles a scarf. So exciting.

I don't know why but recently it has been bothering me that I have no single girlfriends that have no children. I had friends with no husbands but still have kids. I love my friends, don't get my wrong but the main three I have-- Alicia, Jacci, and Shannon--all of kids. Three of them each. (I cry at the fact that I only have 3 friends, btw.) Plus their husbands. I long to have friends that are my age that are where I am in life. I finally found a friend like me but she just recently found out that she was pregnant so now she is not like me. She is with child. I don't think that it is so crazy to want a 21 year old [[[Christian]]] friend who doesn't have children or a spouse. It's a tough thing to find in this town that's for sure. I want to double date??? I don't know if I actually want to do that but it has always sounded fun. Except anyone I would even want to go with would need to find a sitter and whatnot. Too much hassle I think. Would it be crazy of me to put up an ad on Craig's List looking for a non married, non-baby having Christian friend?!? Probably. It stinks.

Time to grow up I guess...............





***Le sigh***

Because I need You more than ever...

I am getting tired. The internet is full of knowledge. Currently I am looking at engagment rings and information on fasting. And Alicia you can suck it because I am not wedding obsessed Danny told me to send him links so he would know what I like! So there! :P

It is freezing in here. I haven't been cold in this house in a long time. Our electric has been really high so Danny has been a Nazi about the a/c. I guess the weather is finally cooling down to a point where my blood won't boil. We never did fry that egg on the side walk like we said we would. I was looking forward to that. I have lived here for all these years and have never done that. It's sad, really.

Tomorrow would be Connor's second birthday and it makes me very sad. I'm still not sure how Danny is going to handle it. He took the day off work so he doesn't want to worry about that. I really hope that he's okay. I know that he is doing a lot better but I still worry about him. He's gone through a really big loss and I just want to make sure that he's fine. Le sad.

By the way I can't wait to never have to see Bryan ever again unless I choice that I want to see him. I am begging to hate all the things that he does. Even his laugh makes me want to punch a computer monitor. Just a few more months...just keep saying it! I must confess that we are going to be on our own soon. Speaking of which I have been slacking on my confessions. I know I said that I was going to put them up everywhere but then school stuff tackled me, which should have been even more reason to do it, and I just put it on the back burner. I will have to remedy that this week.

As for me I am going to bed....Game night should be over soon. (I hope.)

A love song to You...

My poor Danny. This weekend is certainly taking its tole on him. Emotions are going ramped I'm sure. Monday would be Connor's second birthday. I'm not sure how to help him other then just being there for him, which I guess is all I can really do. We went to a gathering people and drama. I don't like drama and I try to avoid it whenever possible. Obviously I can never completely avoid it but I do my best. Danny and I get home from grocery shopping and we are starting dinner and all of that stuff when he gets a phone call from Chico. He tells Danny that he needs to come pick up Bryan and take him home. Chico lives on the south side of town. We left Bryan there with no car for several reasons. We don't have gas or money for gas right now (next week or two???), he was drinking, he could just get a ride back from Chico when Chico came over for game night. It was planned out. Bryan doesn't abide by the plan. He got drunk and started trying to fight everyone. He pulled a knife on someone. He gets bad. He tells us that he used to be an alcoholic but I'm not so sure that it's entirely in the past. I just keep telling Danny "A few more months...just a few more months and it will just be the two of us."

Side note: I like Chris Tomlin. He has good songs. I should look at getting his cd or something!

Classes started last week. They are alright. So far there is a lot of reading which I would normally be okay with except that my eyes are failing me. I need to stop confessing that. My eyes are healed in Jesus name, I am just waiting for the manifestation of the flesh! Yikes! That's a mouthful...

By the way I am not going to mention that Barry is in town. Yes, I realize the contradiction I just provided you with but that right there is all that you are going to get out of me because he is no longer part of my life. Danny is; and just like Pastor Linda said I have Mr. Wonderful! I am not going to mess that up. She is so funny.

I'm really tired. I want Danny to come home with my car so that I can go to bed. Dinner was yummy even though he didn't get to enjoy it with me.

I'll bring you more than a song...

These are the notes that I wrote down that I will be speaking on tonight at book club. I am a little bit nervous and a lot bit bummed that I might have to leave early for class. Book club is at 5:30 and class starts at 7:00 so hopefully I will have enough time! *crosses fingers*

The Kingdom of God in You

Chapter Five:

Demonstrating the Kingdom in a Corrupt World

• The world's system is failing.

• You can't get good fruit from a corrupt tree. If you try to live in the world's system you won't get the same benefits you would living in the Kingdom system. In fact if you live in the world's system you will end up losing more then you gain-the opposite of what God has planned for you. He wants to see us benefit and live rich, happy, healthy lives.

• The devil will try to deceive you, he will do all in his power to see to it that you don't get what God has for you. Living in sin, not confessing good, but rather confessing evil or negative thoughts.

  • It's okay to have the negative thoughts but you must dismiss them as soon as they enter your head.

  • He can't deceive you if you have the Kingdom in you and are living in that system.

• God may place you in a secular job knowing that you understand that you don't have to abide by the deceptive system. In fact you can change other's way of thinking by showing them the light of God.

• God can not be tempted and He will not tempt you. The devil will try to tempt you like he tried to tempt Jesus in the desert after the fast, but we must be strong in the word of God like He was.

  • If Jesus can do it-we can do it! That's why He did these things in the first place. So we that we would know that we can achieve anything through God. Just like when He told the disciples to go out on the boat when a storm was coming to show them that they in fact could calm the wind and the rain. He wants to show that we can do the same things that He could.

  • We have the Holy Spirit in us!

  • When we are tempted we must not give in to it because when tempted we draw away from God by our lust and we are enticed. Lust leads to sin and sin leads to death.

    • Spiritual death not a physical death

• We need to enter out of the world's system and plug into God's system to be a light into the darkness that is the place we reside.

• We are delivered from sin, sickness, and oppression in the name of Jesus!

  • The devil wants you to believe that you were born “that way” and that you can't change. It's not true. God has great plans for us that don't include sin, sickness or anything that might ail you.

  • Jesus came to set us free from all of it. He is here to turn around everything Satan has done and all the evil that he has put in our lives and in our world.

    • It doesn't matter what your sin is or how long you have been in bondage to it- Jesus can set you free from it.

    • Silver and gold have I none; but such as I give I thee: In the same of Jesus Christ of Nazareth rise up and walk. Acts 3:6

• When the world's system collapses- and it will happen and soon- God's kingdom will prevail.

  • Worry not- we are protected.

• God will remember your sins no more-stop reminding Him!

  • We are forgiven. God only counts the good now. We shall reign in Heaven and on Earth.

• If the government goes against God's government stick with God's government

  • Daniel prayed openly to God even though there was a law set against it.

• YOU CAN'T SERVE TO MASTERS!!! Pick God's team.

Praise to the King of Kings...

Why do I even bother? I just spent a lot of time over at my parent's house bleaching and washing the couch cover just to take it home and within 15 minutes Bryan is sitting on it in nothing but his boxers. It makes me so disgusted to have to look at it. When Danny and I watch movies out there I have to put blankets down just so I can stand to sit there. I'd ask Danny to tell him not to sit there without clothes on but it would be futile. Bryan doesn't listen to Danny, he has no respect. He thinks that he is superior to us. What a shame. We will be in our own place soon enough and we won't have to worry about lights being left on, the fridge being left open, food being eaten, kitchen and living room a mess, naked people on the couch--you know, the usual roommate things.

Are you anything like me? Is it possible all anybody needs is a little more love...

I long for the day when I don't have to hide my food in my room. I had to hide food from my sister and dad at my parent's house, I had to hide food (and toilet paper) at the old house, and now I have to hide my food from Bryan...because he will eat anything that isn't marked with a "K". I know that it sounds easy enough to mark everything "K" but it bugs me and then there would be nothing in the house without a "K". As it stands there are almost no groceries that aren't "K"ed or hidden away in a corner. He doesn't buy groceries. At all. Danny says that it's because he pays half the rent. Good excuse. I can't argue that because I don't contribute much funding. Danny talks about us living on our own as if it were a few months away. Which, with him working two jobs and me trying desperately to find a job that is willing to work around my classes AND church obligations, isn't too far off I suppose. It will be a small place to start off with of course, but it will be our place. Bryan free! I get very excited when I think about it... It's sad but true. It's funny but I think that once we don't live with Bryan the stupid Bryan voice that Danny does sometimes won't bug the living daylights out of me. He does this voice and every time that he does I find it very difficult to control myself, I want to slaughter things, and that's not like me at all. Gah! That man makes me so angry sometimes....

Enough of that angry..and on to another:

I wen to my parent's house to do some laundry because Danny had nothing clean to wear to church. I had planned on doing it after church but with nothing clean to wear I figured that I could just do it a day early. Or so I thought. My sister has got to be one of the most horrible human beings living on God's green earth. She says the most horrible things about me and to me... She told me today that I was brainwashed and that I belonged to a cult. A CULT!!! Can you believe that? I get mad and sad all at the same time. I could have punched her lights out but knowing her she would have called the cops on me and I would have to try to explain how she antagonizes until you feel absolutely helpless, hopeless even. I just kept praying that God would give me serenity and that I wouldn't punch her in the face. She yelled at me and made me feel so unwelcome that I left after one load. I will have to go back there tomorrow while she is at work to finish the rest. Depending on if I wake up in time and if I feel like going over there I might head over and start some before church even. My dad should be back some time tomorrow if nothing else and will tell her to calm down and that I am welcome in my own home any time that I so desire. Danny says that I need to stand up to her. He doesn't understand that I try but I don't know what else to do. He thinks that I should just tell her to piss off. It would be nice but it doesn't work that way. He doesn't have a sibling of the same sex so he doesn't fully get it. I'm sure that he's watched his sisters fight before but I don't know if their fights have ever been to this extreme.

Danny's mom wants to go out to lunch with me, go to a movie and look at rings. Wow. That's crazy.... I remember Barry's family trying to talk me out of dating him, not to mention marring him. It was sick. I'm staying at his aunt's house in CA and she is trying to get me to break up with him. Something not right with that family. Good thing I got out!

Danny's mom still doesn't want to have a church wedding. I think he said that she would go but that she wouldn't participate. At Connor's celebration of life, at a church, she just sat there and left early even. I know that really hurt Danny. I really don't need to deal or worry with her being upset that she's in a church on my wedding day. It's not about her, it's about us. I guess if it will make things easier we will have to find a much better outdoor venue then the one he used last time. Not a chance in hell am I getting married in the same place that he got married already. That would be sick.

I'm going to go pee and then go to bed. I don't really feel like waiting up for Danny anymore. He said soon half an hour ago so soon it shall be... Goodnight.

Praises to the Father...

So good thing I didn't almost just burn my house down. I accidentally left the oven on at 425 degrees. I guess I was just so excited to have home-made pizza that I just forgot about it. Thinking back on it, I just pulled the pizza out, put it on my plate, cut it into slices then went to my room to eat it. There was no turning off the stove in that sequence of events. Oops!!!

This really spoke to me...

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me

And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Chorus:
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me


And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth

Chorus:

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

Chorus: (2x�s)

Never again will my heart turn away from you...

Listening to praise and worship music...have been for about 4 1/2-5 hours. It helped my headache go away and no it is just an uplifting background to my life.

Danny has been over at the Diemer residence since about 7 or so. He has been playing Munchkin with Dan and Wiggles. Rudy was supposed to go over there as well but for some reason I guess he didn't. He just got home and it sounds like they had a great time. I'm so glad.

I I made pizza again for the first time since I burned my hand off.. haha I only made one because I didn't feel like making any for Bryan. I torn my mouth a little on the crust but other than the hurt -free! It was so bomb. I never should have stopped making it, even if I was all blistered up.

This is going to be a short one because my honey just got home and I really want to spend time with him. He's being such a silly butt right now.

This is a love song to You, a song of praise to You Lord...

I went to MCC today to see what the deal was with my financial aid. No one had contacted me and the internet wasn't giving me any information either. After an hour of sitting I learn in a 3 minute conversation with a nice woman that I did not qualify for any financial aid at all...Heaven help us.

I won't be able to pay for classes on my own. FAFSA was my safely net. I'm hoping that the fund my mom's aunt set up for me years ago is ready and willing to pay my way, otherwise I'm going to either have to take fewer classes or none at all.

After learning that I was financially unfit I went to the book store to see how badly they were going to steal from me. I wrote down the prices for new and used books-then I took a picture so I could look it up online. Only thing is classes start next week. I need to find out fast if I'm going to be able to pay for these things and then get them!

I can't let the bad things bring me down...this still needs to be a good day. Tomorrow Danny and I are going to go to St. Vinny's to look for a bed and some yarn. Strange combination, I know. If time will allow and Danny doesn't need a nap I would like to go to a few other thrift stores as well. We shall see...

I just got off the phone with mommy and she said she will look into what our options are at the end of the day when all of her kids go home. This will work-- In the name of Jesus!!!

This is posion...

I missed the deadline for county fair entries by 3 days. I really should have been paying more attention to the date. It makes me very sad because I was really excited to do it again this year. I had won a few ribbons on some of my pictures last year. What a bummer. I can't let it ruin the rest of my day... it's just begun after all! I hope things pick up soon...

It's called "picture of the day"...

Except for some reason there are two...

I was cleaning and found this really neat scarf that I got from a thrift store in MN. I'm still not completely sure what I am going to do with it but I had fun for about 7 minutes playing.

Side note: I almost spent sure "shure"- bed time, is it?

I like how my eyes practically match every color that is on that dang scarf. Not an easy task- not many people can handle the challenge!

Where is thubkin where is thumbkin here I am here I am...

How are you today sir, very well and thank you. Run away. Run away.

So I don't think that anyone truly understands how badly I want to have a baby. It's sick. Danny thinks that I'll be a wonderful mother because I have so much love in my heart, but I have my doubts. I don't understand how I could want something so much that I'm not really sure that I want. Does that make sense to anyone? *sigh* I'll just hang my head in shame.............................................

I need You...to be here now.

Oy! Where to start........

Danny went to the men's retreat this weekend. He came back so changed it's amazing. I thought that he was a wonderful person to start with but he grew so much while he was up there. He has so much more knowledge than before. He is even more encouraging and uplifting which has been a blessing to us (me) already.

I don't like that he is still playing his rpgs (role playing games). Don't get me wrong, I don't mind that he hangs out with his friends as all it's just that these games are so demonic and his friends curse almost every other word (serious swears not the little ones like damn or shit). I don't think that it is a very great environment for someone who is trying to build themselves up. I know that if I were to ask him to quit playing he would in a second for me (his friend's wouldn't be happy but they'd get over it) but I don't want him to do it because I asked him to. I would much rather he come to that decision on his own because God has put it on his heart and it's something that he wants to do.

School is starting in a week. I feel that I am very unprepared and I can feel a panic attack coming on any day now. I know that I shouldn't be confessing such negative things but I know myself and it's something that I would do. I got my student id card.. it doesn't have my picture on it!!! Does that even make sense??? I need to go in tomorrow to see if I got money to help pay for classes. I'm not sure if I'll be able to pay for them without help. I guess I should have been believing for this a long time ago. Next time I'll know better. I still need to buy my books which I really hope that they still have.

Danny and I were talking today and he is believing that we will be out of the house that we are in now and in our own home by the end of the year if not the begging of next year. Sounds like a good way to bring in the new year. We really need a break from having Bryan around. He causes problems with out a care in the world about it. It's unfortunate that we need him to pay bills, otherwise we would have asked him to leave long ago. Danny doesn't want to leave on bad terms because they have been friends for so long.

I was talking to Danny's mom the other day when he was at the retreat and she said that she was really glad that he was going because he has had the 3 main friends since about 6th grade and he isn't going to grow if he doesn't go out and meet new people and do new things (they have had game night 2-3 times a week for the last 4 or so years). He needs some change in his life. Fortunately for him I'm good for that.

My lovely mother paid for me to get my hair cut and colored which looks amazing...only thing is not one person has said a thing. Not even people I told I was getting my hair done. A bit of a bummer actually. I guess it's not a big deal, it's just nice when people say nice things about you.

I took up knitting while Danny is gone because, well let's face it- I'm an 85 year old woman. Yeah. I know, it's a surprise to all who find out. I've gotten pretty good at the first two steps...but that's about it. I called Danny's mom to see if she knew how to knit but she only knows how to crochet. I told her when I was doing learning how to knit that she would have to teach me how to crochet.

There is so much that I feel needs to be done and that there are not enough hours in the day in which to do it all. Danny says that I am a mighty woman of God and that I can do anything I want. He's sweet. Sometimes he knows just what to say...sometimes not! I know that he does his very best to make sure that I am happy.

I find it funny that Jacci and I had a similar experience. For years she would tell Rudy to wear his seatbelt but he wouldn't. He had to go to traffic school and they told him to wear his seatbelt and now he does. I have been trying to get Danny to do confessions for a few months now and he didn't want to but when he was up at the retreat they had all the men do confessions and now he loves them. I guess sometimes it just takes hearing it from someone else. I had been praying for a few months that he would listen and do them, that's all you can do sometimes.

Confessions:

A sample of some of the note cards that I will be hanging around the place.


God will bless those who bless me and curse those who curse me.

Gen. 12:3


Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.
1 Peter 4:8

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power
Eph. 6:10

God is my strength and power: and He maketh my way perfect.
2 Sam 22:33

He pardons all my guilt and heals all my suffering.

Bear in mind that our Lord's patience means salvation.
2 Peter 3:15a

I am blessed in Christ.
Gal. 3:9; Gen. 12:2

...for the joy of the Lord is your strength.
Neh. 8:10b

**Untitled**

I got my amazing sign from Jacci today. She is amazing, I must say. We hung it right above our bed. It looks so great. I'm sure that it will look even better when we have a real bed with a frame and all that stuff. I really want to have night stands on either side so I can read in bed. Also when I am going to bed I often have the most random thoughts or ideas that I never remember in the morning. If I feel like it I will get out my phone and write myself a memo but they don't always make sense later. I think that if I were to have a notebook with a pen right next to me when those ideas hit I can quickly write them down and go back to bed.

Danny got his new xbox 360 elite that he is very happy about. He even kissed the console when he took it out of the box. It only came with one controller so the Diemer's let us borrow one for a few days. They are upwards $40-60. I could not believe it. It's even worse the people will pay that too.

I'm going to hang the confessions that I put on note cards at my mom's house up around here. Just not sure where. I wanted to do some on the fridge but I'm not sure if that would make Bryan uncomfortable and I know that Danny's friend's give him a hard time as it is for going to church I don't want to make it worse for him. Then again that could just be the devil trying to get me not to hang them. I don't know. I could always find other places to hang them, I shouldn't have to hid my faith in my own home though. I just had a full argument with myself. Guidance?


I've been reading the bible and I am just so filled by it. Everyone at church is so happy to see me this hungry for the things of God. I've decided to read a book of the bible everyday. I didn't finish today because I was tired and wasn't understanding it very well. There's not much point to reading it all if I don't get anything out of it, so I just put it down for a bit. I can finish up tomorrow with fresh thinking.

I have several questions that I have wrote down to ask anyone that will let me. I had my note book sitting next to me and any time that I didn't understand or had a question about it I would write it down. Jacci was able to help me with a few which was nice.

Danny and I are very excited for him to go to the men's retreat in a couple days. I need to do laundry so he'll having something to wear. Or I could be like Jacci and just leave random things out! I need to think of something very random to add to his stuff so when he opens it up he smiles and thinks "That Kate is so silly. I miss her. She's great. I love her." You get the general idea. I was thinking a rubber ducky I have sitting on my computer might do but I'm not sure if that's wacky enough. Let's hope I get inspiration soon, he leaves on Thursday!

Sing it loud..sing it loud and clear...

I have been job hunting on and off for a few months now and thanks to Mr. Dan Diemer I found the perfect job. I emailed the company with a copy of my resume today and got an email response back already, at 7:30 p.m. Only thing is...they have already filled all positions.

I pouted after reading it. I even hid under my desk for about five minutes telling myself how it's unfair that I should have gotten the job, and I would have been perfect for it. Then I realized that I don't have to accept that answer. Just like we are told that we don't have to accept a bad medical report, I don't have to accept not getting this job. Danny and I were believing together that I would get this job and we will continue to do so. We'll just have to believe that either something better will come along or there will be an opening and they will just slip me right in.

Great job that I want:
http://mohave.craigslist.org/lab/751499937.html


God does great things when you are looking the other way. I need to get life in focus.

If you feel so inclined I would not advise you against praying and believing with me, or rather us.

There's something in the air tonight, can you feel it coming...

I am looking for a book called The Wedding Dress Diet when I realize that at any moment Danny could look over and see what I am looking at. I don't want him to look over and think that I think that... well you know. It was a book I found when I was searching for images of pregnant brides for my dream board months ago and I saved because I thought that it looked interesting. Gosh. I am looking for a very cheap copy of it. I found of for a few dollars but I don't know what the shipping is going to cost. I need to do some more job searching. Not that I miss working, however I miss having income. Money makes things happen.

We were very blessed today. I was trying to find a way to get a book that we are reading in the women's bible study (Top 10 Qualities of a Great Leader) but I just couldn't and I was very bummed about it. Today was the leadership meeting for anyone who works in the children's ministry which I just happen to do (nursery) and Miss Shelli was hounding me all week about going and she even said that if I went I would get something out of it. Little did we know how literal she meant it. Pastor Traci was up at the front talking when out of no where she asks if anyone there didn't have the book. I raised my hand, she then asked us if she were to buy a copy for us if we would read it. I could not believe it. Such great things that come when you just believe. Jacci was very happy for me as well because I had been telling her about how I wanted it but we couldn't afford it right now. She said that she would let me read hers when she was done, but now I don't have to!

Thanks to the Diemer's I now have lots of blogs to look at during the day. Thanks Alicia!

Time to finish the dishes.. then off to Walmart to buy some groceries and then get dinner started. Very late tonight. We just had a french fry snack but it wasn't very much.

When Jesus wakes up He'll tell us what to do.

Danny just told me that when Jesus woke up He would tell us what to do. I love when he talks to me half asleep. He said that Jesus was going to wake up at 5 and tell us what we should do. That He would when we turn our wrists in at the end of the day. So funny!!! We were talking about what we should do, then he fell asleep but still felt like talking.

This too shall pass...

Listening to The Fold. I really want their two cds. I will work at getting them. Actually, I won't. I just lied. I don't have the money or even the resources to get money. I will ask Danny to get them for me eventually.

So tomorrow will be five months that Danny and I will be together. Exciting, right? I'm not. It just makes me think that it has been six months since Connor passed away. I hate that I put the two things together like that but it's true. We got together one month to the day that he left this earth. I don't know if I can celebrate thinking of that poor little boy struggling for his last breath. I can't stand it. I don't know what to do about it.......

It's so difficult to imagine that it has already been six months. It doesn't seem like that long to me. I'm sure that it has been an eternity for Danny. I wish that there was more that I could do for him.

I'm going to wash my feet off and then just lie down. Maybe I can stop thinking for a bit while Danny rubs my feet.

.MAYBE.

Leggo my eggo...

I really want this blister gone. Like immediately. For some reason I really want to spell that with an e instead of an i. Crazy. I am so afraid that it is going to pop and it will hurt and be gross everywhere. Not my idea of a fun time.

So I spent the day at the Diemer residence today. It was nice. I went through their dvds and put all the dvds in their proper cases. What a treat! Then we had brownies... finally!!! Gosh Alicia.

I am making an eggo then Danny and I are going to go for our daily walk, only this time we are going to go down to Hastings to see if they have this book that I want. That means that I have to put real shoes on instead of just wearing my flip flops. I don't really like real shoes all that much. I do love peanut butter though. (it's on my desk with a knife because I was eating it straight up last night.) I wonder how peanut butter would taste on an eggo. I may have to do a scientific experiment here............

...and I will give all unto You...

I really want to eat those chocolate chips that are sitting on my desk. Over half the bag is gone already, who's going to miss them besides me? No one! I baked with them and then I snacked on the rest because I did a job well done. I don't want to get fat though. I checked my waist 20 minutes ago and it's not getting any smaller. Thirty-eight inches. Not sure how that happened. No kids to explain it away. Just me. Being fat. A big fat fatty. I hate feeling like this. It's just the hormones I try to tell myself but who am I trying to convince here- me or me?

I ate one of my Smarties. The huge ones that Missy got me. Only one but they are monstrous. I checked the package for nutritional facts. They aren't as bad as I had thought but they certainly aren't good. I feel like I need to brush my teeth now from the sugar.

Had a good day at the Korv residence today. I went there after bible study to pick out colors for the amazing sign that she is going to make me.

Danny went to his new job today and he was pro status at it. He will be making more there than he is at Hastings which is nice. He is going to be working both jobs for a bit so we won't see as much of each other for a while but once we have the money to get the basic things that we want right now then he can go to part time for one and full time for the other. We are so blessed. I am so grateful for him. God has done wonderful things here. I know that he was stressing a lot about money and not being able to make bills on time. I used to be able to help because I had a job but now I don't so I don't have money to help provide for those things. It's nice to have nice things... like food and toilet paper!

That milk chocolate square with caramel filling is looking mighty good right about now... must...resist.... Gah!

I settled on half of a Parmesan and Basil Wheat Thins cracker and 20 Original Wheat Thins crackers. No, I did not count them but it was the last of the little that was left. I feel better.

I really need for my tooth to stop hurting and my eyes to get better. I need a healing!!! I really should be caring around the prayer cloth that I got at the service on Wednesday instead of letting it sit on the kitchen counter healing my kitchen. (If you've ever been in my kitchen you know that it needs healing too!)

Time to spend some quality time with the boyfriend....

<3

I've got to have more of Your anointing..

So things happened with Kelli and it stinks. When she realized what a complete jerk she was to me we can be friends again. We both said things that we shouldn't have but I have forgiven her in my heart and I want only the best for her.

There was a healing service at church last night. I don't know that I feel healed or not but things aren't going to happen over night. I think that Danny really enjoyed it. I tried to get my dad to go with but he didn't. He did say that he would come with on Sunday and that he would bring my mom!!! They have never come together before. I am very happy about that.

I made pizza from scratch today. It was REALLY good. Danny didn't eat his because he is going to have it for lunch tomorrow. He did have a few bites of mine that I didn't have (obviously???). I liked baking. I told Danny that for Christmas that I would like to have an electric mixer so I don't have to spend as much time and effort kneading the bread. It will be nice.

We are going to play a game or something...spend time together basically. It should be lots of fun.

I am still unsure if I want to take this ASL class because it is on Wednesday. I will be missing the women's bible study and Wednesday night church. I don't know if going only on Sundays will be enough or not. I really need some guidance on this one.

Toughest job in the corp...

I used to have it, not anymore. I had forgotten that I was in marine wife/girlfriend groups on myspace so I resigned from them today. It was funny to see myself on the top 8 of these things. I keep having dreams with him in it. Nothing happens in them but I still feel guilty. Should I feel guilty? I can't control what happens in my dreams- Danny can which is a different conversation all together.

This is a rather short one, I know, but I need to shower.............

Offensive:

I always seem to be on the offensive. Taking things that other people say offensively as if they were meant to hurt me. I'm not sure why... it's be an easy scape goat to blame it on my dad but that'd be too simple. He's an easy mark. I really don't want to cry over a poor childhood when I personally know people who have had much worse in their lives then what I went through. I need to suck it up.

I went to the gym this morning. It was really nice. A customer of mine from Avon was supposed to be there to pick up her order (shoes) but I didn't know her name, what she looked like or what time she was going to be there. This was a very poorly set up appointment. So since I was there I used one of the machines and went for a swim. It was very nice. I think that I might make it part of my daily routine. Not that many younger people but plenty of Silver Sneakers (oldies).

My friend Richie gets out of the Navy tomorrow. He'll be in town soon which will be nice, I haven't seen him in a few years.

My mommy left yesterday. She moved to San Louis/Yuma. I'm sad about it but Kelli has already planned a trip to visit her on Sunday. Nathan lives in Yuma with his mom so we'll probably stay with them till Tuesday. Danny is sad because he's going to miss me very much. What a cutie. I'm not sure that I really want to going seeing as how I have literally no money but it'll make Kelli happy.

I think I'm going to go to bed now, my tummy is hurting from the McDonald's "chicken" that I had for dinner. My mistake.

Love Shack, baby!!!

So even though I only know part of the words I am sing it quite loudly. My good friend Peter made me a cd of the '80s. I am very excited about it. I really want to just skip to the songs that I know, but I'm going to listen to them all at least once, then pick favorites.

I went to MCC today, and got registered. I don't have to pay yet which is really great because I have no moneys with which to use as payment. Mommy is going to help me find financial aide.

When I was registering the eye glasses place called to let me know that my glasses were in. I was really happy because they weren't supposed to be in till tomorrow at the earliest. Great stuff.

Book club is at 6:30... Danny will not be coming with me to book club which is a bummer but I should have realized it from the beginning because it takes place on a Monday and he has his game night on Mondays. Poor planning on my part. At least I'll be occupied for a month while he plays. He may be able to come with me this one time tonight because some skanky girl is in town and Chico might hang out with her instead of being cool and coming over here. It makes me sad for Danny that he does that. His friends are still pissy at me because he plays less to spend more time with me. He's great like that.

I should probably read some more of the book that we will be talking about in book club.

His love endures forever...

Listening to praise and worship music never fails to bring me up. I'm so blessed.

Danny and I had a mini fight that was lame and ended 30-45 minutes in. Stress is kicking our butts currently, but it's something that we are working on. Tomorrow I will be able to register for classes (I hope) and that will make it a bit easier to find a job.

I rearranged our bedroom today. It looks so nice the way it is. I would really like to have a real bed but God will work His ways to help us to get one when we are ready. We just need to pray about it. I've been really bad about that.

I know that I should be praying tongues because it is His will, I just don't. I need to get past whatever it is that is standing in my way and just do it! I said at the beginning of the year that I was going to fast and tithe and do all these things for God and to glorify Him but I haven't. I can't tithe because I don't have an income to give 10% of but I will have a job and I will tithe then. I tithed twice but then lost my job.

It stinks being unemployed.

I painted my toes last night. Danny's friend Jesse helped me to pink out the color. He was really funny. We stayed up pretty late because Chico and Jesse were over. Chico needed to make his character for the game that they play. Danny went to bed around one-thirty but we ended up talking for a while and didn't actually sleep till around two-thirty. Still got up and ready in time for church this morning which was something I had been worried about. I just wasn't tired enough to sleep.

Currently I am looking at rummy royal boards on e-bay again. I've found two in particular that I think that I am going to get that are so stinking cheap. I hope Danny doesn't get mad about it. One for me, one for my mom's house so Kelli can use it there while she still lives there.

I think I will end this blog early and go look at pretty things that I can't have, but can some day make.

What has my life become...

It's almost 1:30 in the morning and even though I am fairly tired I am not in bed. Why you ask? Because I am here looking at random web sites to buy a Rummy Royal board that I can not afford. I would really love to be able to buy 3 of them. One for me, one for Kelli, and one for my mom and dad. But I can't. It stinks. I could probably get away with buying one which I am thinking about doing but Danny doesn't think it is a good idea. Money is really tight right now-more so than usual. I am going to go down to the college on Monday, Alicia said that she would come with me because she wants to register for a few classes herself. I thought that was pretty cool.

Friendship builders was pretty cool. I was able to get my mom AND Kelli to come with. They left before all of the testimonies were done. Kelli still thinks that it is a cult. I'm not sure how serious she is when she says this but she has said it often which makes me pretty sad. I guess all I can do at this point is pray for her. It was really cool though- usually Alicia and I will drive over to these things together but she was over at her house getting things fixed up so they can move back in soon, so she wasn't able to come with me.... it was really neat that I was able to go there without my safety net. I was very proud of myself. It was nice to have her show up though.

I am so excited to have my glasses soon. My eyes really need the rest. Plus it'll be nice to have something new!

Danny got a hair cut today. He didn't get very much cut off but he looks a lot different.

I should really get some sleep. I don't know why but I have been really tired lately for no particular reason. I need to change that-stat! It might help if I stopped speaking negative into my life, and also slept normal hours. I need to start behaving more like an adult. I'm not sure how much I'm going to like it but it has to start soon.

More people I know having babies..............................................

Jamie Lynn Spears...

http://www.okmagazine.com/pixandvids/gallery/7873

I don't know why it bothers me so much and makes me sad but it does. It stupid but I don't care. Everyone and their mom has a baby/family but me.
I took the wiser path... I stayed at home to save money, I went to community college to save money, I didn't get pregnant in high school, or married right out of high school- I've done everything right but feel that I have nothing to show for it. I'm tired of it.

I wrote my guidance counselor an email to see if I could make an appointment to look at what classes I should take but she has not replied to me when which I don't really like. I guess I will just have to go down there and see what's up if she doesn't reply by tomorrow. I need to know quick.

My car in with Chet (mechanic) because we were hoping that he could fix that problem for less moneys than the other place but I'm not sure when I'm going to get the money. It's really starting to stress me out not having money or knowing when the next time I'll have money coming in is. I have a web site or two that Kelli and my mom gave me to look at- I just need to take it more seriously. I also can't do anything until I know when my classes will be, I need to know when I will be available to work and when I will need time for class and to study- plus church, and if I'm lucky bible study.

I haven't exercised since Tuesday and I am feeling really fat and full of rolls. I hate feeling and looking like this. Danny says that I am beautiful and that he loves me... I counter with I didn't say I wasn't beautiful- I said I was fat. Gosh! He's such a good guy.

Time for sleep, my Willy Wonka game was making me mad so I shut it off without saving. Good thing I didn't get very far tonight.

The Kingdom of God in You:

I just read the forward of the new book that I got today. The book club starts next week so I had better step it up if I want to finish it before it begins. I at least want to get a few chapters in if nothing else. I wonder when Danny will read it since he still has that other book I asked him to read and he's playing his game a lot; he said that if I got it that he would read it and go with me to the book club but now I'm not so sure. I hope he does.

I played wow today again; this time without Danny near by- in fact, he was at the store. Someone tried to get me to join them to go do something but I decline. I really don't like the interaction aspect of the game.. I told him that I would try to get into another game that wasn't interactive. He let me play Diablo 2 with him, it was really sweet because I was sitting on his lap killing zombies. His leg fell asleep and he couldn't move it at all. I laughed. Currently he is looking for games for the xbox because we were going to see about playing a game together. I hope he finds them. We were also going to rent The Bank Job tonight but I'm not sure if that'll still happen.

I went to the eye doctor yesterday. I'll have my new glasses in 7-10 days. I can't wait. Every since my glasses snapped in half I have had to wear my contacts at all times. Gets pretty difficult to see things late. I don't like it.

I'm going to read my book and hopefully play some video games!!!

Test drive...

Danny was finally able to convince me to try World of Warcraft. It was alright. I really don't like playing when there are other people around and I don't really want to get over it just yet. I am however starting to like one of his other computer games so we'll see how that goes. We decided to try playing video games together as a way of spending quality time. What could be better then kicking each other's butts in a video game? I really think that it could be fun.

I'm getting tired but I don't have a job or anything that needs to be done tomorrow so I can stay up as late as I want... Danny on the other hand has work at 6:00 a.m. but is still playing his game. I think he wanted to level up before bed. I'm not too sure about it though.

My neck and back have been killing me for the past little bit of time. I think that it will go away for the most part when we actually get a real bed. Air mattresses are just not cutting it these days. We have the really nice blanket, the really nice sheets and really fluffy pillows...all that's left it a bed. Yay! We need money to buy a bed and we don't have it yet.

I'm really excited for Danny because he gets to go on the Men's Retreat next month with the men from our church. He's jazzed for it too which makes me even happier- I'm not sure why. I've just heard such great thing from the guys when they get back and I really want that for him.

I should get some rest. I'll probably do some more cleaning up and unpacking of boxes. Yes, I still have a few boxes that I haven't unpack from when I moved it. I still have some at my parent's house from when we moved to Lake Havasu back in 1998. Oh well...it'll all work out in the end.

I also need to remember to do two of the workout videos when Danny is at work because we will be at church in the evening so no time for the gym... If I'm going to continue to eat crap food then I should do some sort of exercise so I stay the same instead of getting larger, and then eventually getting smaller...

I'm so blessed.............